Goodbyes. Can they be fun?

My pattern of goodbyes has been described in my book; there is even a chapter on goodbyes. I expected a similar pattern for the departure of my adult children after their two-and-a-half week stay, but it was not the same. There was actually a sense of fun about the goodbye. What made it different? Why was it more fun than sad? Maybe these points helped:

• My children, M and C, were leaving together. 
• They were off on another flight adventure.
• I decided take the day off and watch them get ready, and be useful when I could.
• A, another daughter who also had a day off advised them, "Torn top - no. Home-made chilli sauce, yes. Six jackets are excessive, take four at the most."
• The packing and preparation felt like a finale following the great times of the last two weeks.
• There was the sense of an event in the air. 



M sitting on her suitcase

• Nervous energy released our children's child-like characteristics and behaviour. C, nicknamed Bugle, bounced from room to room looking for last possessions, discarding and repossessing jackets and clothes as the suitcases were weighed and reweighed. Bugle called out a few times, "I'm ready now" as he scanned M's takeover of the lounge. Eventually the piles of clothes that had covered the carpet were magically reduced in volume to almost fit into her suitcase. Nothing extra pressure couldn't fix.

Driving to the airport, singalong music played, but we didn't sing along much. They checked-in, then it was coffee time, conversation lulled, twitching started, and the travellers patted their carry on. It was time. With long hugs, and brave smiles, we held back tears and had a last wave.

Home from the airport I drifted into their bedrooms. The beds had been stripped, but their aura was still around.  There was no good reason to make up the beds yet. 

What made this goodbye different? Was it the fact that we had a blast as a family together? Was it that our adult children wanted to continue the fun theme we had had for the last two weeks? It could be that the C and M are in a great stage of life where they only have to be responsible for themselves. At the moment they seem to be enjoying their lives, which is always a bonus and a relief as a parent. It may have been that the pain of departing was felt just as equally by my husband and our two other children. When other UK visitors had left, I felt it was me who experienced the loss the most because it was my mother, my sibling, or my friend who left. Maybe with the two travelling together I thought they wouldn't feel so isolated.  

There is the minor factor that we had such an active time with each other the routine of normality had an attraction to it.  Did I really admit to that?  Maybe after thirty years of goodbyes I have become more accepting of goodbyes, and so more relaxed. 

I think what eased the goodbye mostly was that we are due to see them again in May 2019 for my sister's wedding, so it was more of a - 'see you later' than a goodbye. 

  

The combination of the above reasons made this goodbye more fun. Admittedly, two days later, about the same time my children had landed on the other side of the world, I was grumpy. That was probably the time the goodbye became a reality for me. Their beds remain unmade.

Goodbyes are hard. The departing will hit you at different times. There are ways to make the leaving easier. I am glad that having spent thirty years saying goodbyes I have discovered another variation - a fun one.

I have written more blogs on goodbyes. Search for 'goodbyes' on my blog or click on Ten Ways to make Goodbyes easier.

Let us know of your experiences and thoughts on goodbyes in the comments below.

When your mother dies

Margaret Baker 7 Jan 1934- 26th Jan 2016

Apologies for my blog absence. I went to England to visit my mother. Her decline in health over four weeks was rapid. She died a week before I was due to come back to NZ. Helping to care for her before she died and living a ‘life after death’ has been consuming.

I have now been back in New Zealand for ten days. The jet lag is abating, The grump (chapter 11) is being overtaken by life’s routines and I am feeling a sense of normality is knocking on the door. I can let it in if I want.

Blogs and newsletters have been due. Mental drafts have made it to paper, but not to the web.  I like to think my writing is a help to migrants going through similar situations. I couldn’t come up with ways to help myself let alone readers. As well as my mother dying there were other deaths and dying of people close to me. When death is all around you, it is difficult to see a way forward or objective observations. What I can offer is a few snippets of thoughts:

Immigrants are like trees, and this is not a knicker fetish!

How are immigrants like trees? What do you need to prune when you migrate? What is our underwear drawer telling us? How to get help and increase your support networks, and more on goodbyes. All this and more in the Newsletter 11.

Ten ways to make goodbyes easier

I have written three blogs on saying goodbye. In these blogs I divided up the ten tips with more information, (links below) but here they are in pure point form for those of you who enjoy summaries.

1. Decide on what is best for you and the people you are leaving. Long goodbyes aren't necessarily
   
   easier. Overseas Emigration blog says,"A friend gave me great advice about leaving and going to the airport. They suggested I say goodbye to my family at home and then ask a best friend to take me to the airport; to say your goodbyes to close family members at the security gate is just too emotionally charged."  
2. Having been through many airport goodbyes, I now tend to limit the time at the airport to a cup of coffee, I have not been in the frame of mind to shop or browse with the people I am about to leave. 
3. If the goodbye has felt rushed and chaotic, if you are the one leaving, you have the privacy of a long plane journey to feel sad.
   
4. Be honest with your goodbyes. Say what you feel and when it comes to the final parting, don't draw it out. You have to part sometime. In Wikihow method two, long term goodbyes suggest being brief and sincere. 
5. Offer a memento, a photo, a card, a souvenir of your time together. It may be worth giving the gift before the airport. A metre tall cuddly toy may not be welcome at the last moment. Great for cuddling but it may not fit in the baggage plans of the person leaving. Smaller items need thought through too. I once had to turn down a goodbye gift because it didn't meet airline safety specifications.
6. If you are visiting your homeland or your loved ones are visiting you, toast the goodbye in a place that you enjoy being in, one that you can have good memories of. A last meal, a pleasant walk. Talk over some of the good times you have had.
   
7. Realise that in the build up to saying goodbye, there maybe anxieties or unusual behaviour. Either party is upset at the prospect of loss and this may be shown in being easily irritated or angry. Be aware that the anger is not directed at you but at the situation. Perhaps suggest that it is a tense time for you both. Be gentle with each other. Read more from Swedish Psychologist Dr Julie S. Lungdren and the first half of the  article "How to keep the 'good' in goodbye in the Wall Street Journal. 
8. Make a tentative arrangement for when you will see each other or contact each other again, even if it is not certain, it gives you a connection to hold onto.
9. Be aware of PLT - Pre leaving tension. Not just the behaviour as in tip 7 but the tensions and tears beforehand. Read more here, part of Chapter 7 of The Emotional Challenges of Immigration
10. Goodbyes are part of life's progression. You have to say goodbye to stages of your life to make space for new experiences, new people. Embrace the change.
    

More information in these blogs Goodbyes, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 3

This post has the last of the tips on making goodbyes easier. Tips 1-3 are here and 4-7 are here. These previous posts include links, quotes and anecdotes about goodbyes.

I would love to read your experiences of goodbyes. All comments are welcome at the bottom of this or the previous posts.

Ten tips for easier goodbyes continued..

8.     Make a tentative arrangement for when you will see each other or contact each other again, even if it is not certain, it gives you a connection to hold onto.
9.     Be aware of PLT - Pre leaving tension. Not just the behaviour as in tip 7 but the tensions and tears beforehand. Read more here, part of Chapter 7 of The Emotional Challenges of Immigration
10.   Goodbyes are part of life's progression. You have to say goodbye to stages of your life to make space for new experiences, new people. Embrace the change.





Goodbyes have to be part of our life to move to a new stage. A toddler has to say goodbye to being carried everywhere. Having emigrated, we have to embrace change and say goodbye to some of the familiar. We have to accept there are parts of life that we have to say goodbye to; easy access to our loved ones, cultural celebrations the way we remember them, we may even have to say goodbye to some of our plans or expectations when we discover the plans and expectations don't fit into our new environment.

For those who have been through emigration, the people you love in your homeland will have found the prospect of you leaving difficult. Parents and friends have to let you go. Those you love have to let go of access to you too. As an immigrant of nearly thirty years, I am now having to say goodbye to my children as they have leave home.
My son went overseas last year, and two daughters have gone to university. Each occasion has been sad, but also exciting as I anticipate their adventures ahead. I am fortunate that they are leaving for such positive reasons.

I handed  over my first adult-child to life’s rich pageant a few years ago. As the time to say goodbye approached, we embraced eagerly and I

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 2

Making goodbyes easier:

Ten tips on saying goodbye cont. Tips 1-3 in the previous blog on goodbyes.

4.   Be honest with your goodbyes. Say what you feel and when it comes to the final parting, don't draw it out. You have to part some time. In Wikihow method two, long term goodbyes suggest being brief and sincere. 

5.   Offer a memento, a photo, a card, a souvenir of your time together. It may be worth giving the gift before the airport. A metre tall cuddly toy may not be welcome at the last moment. Great for cuddling but it may not fit in the baggage plans of the person leaving. Smaller items need thought through too. I once had to turn down a goodbye gift because it didn't meet airline safety specifications.

6.   If you are visiting your homeland or your loved ones are visiting you, toast the goodbye in a place that you enjoy being in, one that you can have good memories of. A last meal, a pleasant walk. Talk over some of the good times you have had.

7.   Realise that in the build up to saying goodbye, there maybe anxieties or unusual behaviour. Either party is upset at the prospect of loss and this may be shown in being easily irritated or angry.

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 1

"The truth is that goodbyes never get easier, no matter how many times you rehearse them.  And expat life guarantees an assault course of farewells, demanding a strong constitution, nerves of steel and significant emotional muscle." Says Victoria Scott. 

This is the first of a series of posts on goodbyes. there will be stories and tips on lessening the fear  of goodbyes. Emigration can give you possibly your hardest goodbye. Unfortunately, it is not your last.

Once you have emigrated, there will be more goodbyes; the times you visit your loved ones and they visit you. Sometimes the fear of the goodbye starts before you have said hello. One of the immigrants interviewed in the book, The Emotional Challenges of Immigration, noted that as her mother was only visiting for two weeks, she felt there was always a feeling that there would have to be a goodbye soon. She said it left a cloud over whole the visit. I too have felt the dread of goodbyes before I start the visit. I now try to focus on hellos and making memories to carry me beyond the goodbye.

Goodbyes are sad because of the love you feel for the person you are leaving. By acknowledging feeling sad at saying goodbye is part of the loving, you take the first step to feeling less negative about the goodbye.


My worst goodbye as an immigrant was the most fumbled too.

2001 we all went to visit my family for Christmas. Mid-January four children under nine and I were at Heathrow Airport checking in to fly back to New Zealand. My husband had left a week before. A dozen extended family members were also there to see us off. Five check-in bags were bulging with Christmas presents. I had been worried about the weight of the bags until I was asked whether there were any batteries inside them. I had no idea where Buzzlightyear or other possible battery toys were. I wasn't even sure which toys made it into the bags. My nephew came to the rescue as he organised family members to help search for the offending toys. I watched my children begin to melt as the cases and their toys were pulled apart. Perhaps I could cancel the departure? Apparently not. An airport escort with an empty wheelchair stood at our counter and called my name.