Furtive Fun and a Family United

My husband became sixty in August.  A year before our son, C living twelve thousand miles away in London had announced that he would be with us in New Zealand for the signicicant birthday. Our daughter M, also in London was noncommittal. A few months before the event I realised that it had been nearly five years since our family unit had been together for a happy occasion. Like a mother hen checking on her chicks I had a need to have our family unit united.

I was reluctant to influence M's decision to be here with us. I have been in a similar situation to M where events the other side of the world beckon, but you are not sure whether you should or can be there. When in contact with M I held back from asking, "Have you thought anymore about coming for a trip?" The effort to hold back grew from a gentle mental simmer to near boiling as my desire to have us all together increased. Do I stay silent or let M know how much it would mean to me to have all the family together?

M and I had an arranged private phone call one evening "to talk about Dad's birthday present." When she rang I was tucked up in bed, but when I heard her announcement that she was coming after all I was the woman dancing in the street, well dancing around the bed anyway.  M's sister was in another bedroom so my air punching and jigging to my mirror had to continued silently as I absorbed the arrangements of M's arrival. The next two months felt like I was the only one who knew Christmas was coming.

Cut out M with her buddy, Panda

Amongst the birthday party arrangements there were suggestions from all family members for activities for C's stay. Going to an All Black game (one  extra ticket furtively included,) a trip away to Queenstown (one extra plane ticket, accommodation and a car for six, not five secretly booked), all four bedrooms tidied and made up 'ready for extra guests at the party.' The furtiveness was fun. When family members and friends asked what about M? "Oh well, it seems she can't take the time off work." When asked,  "Do you think she is going to come and surprise us?" I replied, "With M  you never know. Perhaps not."  How delighted I was to be in the know. When other siblings were concerned that M would feel left out as the rest of us were holidaying I suggested having a cardboard cut out of her. We would take it with us to the Rugby and to Queenstown so that she would be in all the photos.

What I noticed most about knowing the family was to be together was how my motivation changed. I was happy to prepare for the party, and our son arriving, but I was like an non-stop train when preparing for the getting together of our family.  Family is what I am good at. I have been managing this family is for 26 years. This is my skill set. This was a chance for us to make great memories. Nothing is going to stop me.

As migrants know, any visitor inspires a tidy up. The closer the visitor the more is done. The arrival date becomes the deadline. The challenge is to pack in as many necessary and unnecessary tasks before hand to ensure you can have the best time possible: a house spring clean, digitising all the VHS films, gardening, car washing, meal precooking, getting ahead with work. D and A were shocked with my tasking ticking off including cleaning fly poo off ceilings till my neck was put out for a week; maybe an overkill, but I had a smile on my face as I cleaned.

When we picked up our son from the airport, I ran out to greet him. D and A waited to see if C was alone. Of course I knew he was. We had three lovely days to relish our son on his own. Then the day came where he and I were going out for an 'early lunch.' D asked where we were going, "It's a surprise" I said. The next two days I delighted in witnessing the surprise reaction of people when they first saw M.  M walked into A's pharmacy. A squealed and laughed and hugged and smiled. I watched as the whole pharmacy craned their necks and smiled at each other with teary eyes. When D caught sight of M in the garden he started laughing and didn't stop until his daughter was in his arms, their cheeks blending tears of joy. The youngest, I, who had been expecting boring old Mum to pick her up from the airport went from head down to wide eyed to tears and an embrace. For those in my age group the surprise was like a double banger firework. Delight in seeing M, and then second delight in realising that our family was complete.

The next two weeks I fell in love with my family unit again. We had a holiday together that we all wanted to be at. The teenage sullenness had passed. I treasured this holiday and made the most of it. There is something lovely about knowing all your children are in one place, and accessible. For those of you who have this as normality, feel lucky and love it. For those whose family is scattered, the internet is a great way to keep in touch, and when you do get together, make the most of it. Enjoy touching them, being with them and making enough memories with them that will sustain you until the next time.

For the record, what do I feel about surprise visits? I think I like knowing about the surprise. What about you?

Technology trials away from home 101.

I bought myself a Surface Pro a week before my flight to visit my family in UK. I had visions of hours learning the ins and outs of the Pro while travelling from New Zealand. The learning didn't happen. Why?

These were the things I didn't take into account:

11+ ways to improve the grandparent grandchild relationship Part 2

Add caption

Continuing on. Part 1 covered items 1-5. This blog will cover the remainder. I'd love to hear your comments and experiences 

What are some of the challenges? 

1.Keeping in contact enough.

2.Remembering that communication is a two-way act.

3.Language.

4.Virtual grandparents.

5.Accents can hinder the ease of communication. 

6.New cultural and behavioural norms.

7.Reluctance.

8.Environmental differences.

9.Visits there or here.

10.Quantity v quality.

11.Talking it up

How can the challenges be overcome?

11+ ways to improve the grandparent grandchild relationship part 1

“I must have been crazy. I’ve taken my parents away from my children!” Jessica

“I was really close to my grandparents when I was growing up, it is such a different sort of relationship to [the one you have with] your parents. I am sad my children aren’t going to have that.” Rebecca

 Quotes from my book, The Emotional Challenges of Immigration, Strategies and stories of those who stayed.

Grandparents and grandchildren have a unique relationship, however when you are a migrant, this unique relationship is challenged by distance.


What are some of the challenges? 

1.Keeping in contact enough.

Why Immigrants Need Empathy not Sympathy.

I had just returned from a homeland visit. An acquaintance approached me and I readied myself for the, “I bet you are glad to be back.” Instead the person said,
“It must have been so hard leaving.” I took a step back and fumbled for the handkerchief I knew I would be needing. Amongst my muddle of thoughts there was a cry of 'Eureka someone understands!' I hugged my acquaintance-now-more-of-a-friend. She welcomed the hug because we both knew she had touched me emotionally, and the hug would hide my tears.


Empathy. The understanding of emotions. Sympathy. Feeling sorry for the person. I would rather have empathy any day.
The empathy I was shown:

• Acknowledged my sadness and made the sadness feel reasonable
• Didn’t make me feel weak or pathetic
• Gave me a sense of relief at someone understanding what I was going through.

There is a fine line between empathy and sympathy, and sometimes the terms are misused.

Sympathy makes me feel weak. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, because:

It makes me feel like I have made a wrong decision to be an immigrant

• I have burdened them with my sadness.
• They may be thinking, if it is bad enough to make me sad, I should return to my homeland.
• I would rather that people understand I am glad about my choices, but there are times when it is difficult or sad. 

Ten ways to make goodbyes easier

I have written three blogs on saying goodbye. In these blogs I divided up the ten tips with more information, (links below) but here they are in pure point form for those of you who enjoy summaries.

1. Decide on what is best for you and the people you are leaving. Long goodbyes aren't necessarily
   
   easier. Overseas Emigration blog says,"A friend gave me great advice about leaving and going to the airport. They suggested I say goodbye to my family at home and then ask a best friend to take me to the airport; to say your goodbyes to close family members at the security gate is just too emotionally charged."  
2. Having been through many airport goodbyes, I now tend to limit the time at the airport to a cup of coffee, I have not been in the frame of mind to shop or browse with the people I am about to leave. 
3. If the goodbye has felt rushed and chaotic, if you are the one leaving, you have the privacy of a long plane journey to feel sad.
   
4. Be honest with your goodbyes. Say what you feel and when it comes to the final parting, don't draw it out. You have to part sometime. In Wikihow method two, long term goodbyes suggest being brief and sincere. 
5. Offer a memento, a photo, a card, a souvenir of your time together. It may be worth giving the gift before the airport. A metre tall cuddly toy may not be welcome at the last moment. Great for cuddling but it may not fit in the baggage plans of the person leaving. Smaller items need thought through too. I once had to turn down a goodbye gift because it didn't meet airline safety specifications.
6. If you are visiting your homeland or your loved ones are visiting you, toast the goodbye in a place that you enjoy being in, one that you can have good memories of. A last meal, a pleasant walk. Talk over some of the good times you have had.
   
7. Realise that in the build up to saying goodbye, there maybe anxieties or unusual behaviour. Either party is upset at the prospect of loss and this may be shown in being easily irritated or angry. Be aware that the anger is not directed at you but at the situation. Perhaps suggest that it is a tense time for you both. Be gentle with each other. Read more from Swedish Psychologist Dr Julie S. Lungdren and the first half of the  article "How to keep the 'good' in goodbye in the Wall Street Journal. 
8. Make a tentative arrangement for when you will see each other or contact each other again, even if it is not certain, it gives you a connection to hold onto.
9. Be aware of PLT - Pre leaving tension. Not just the behaviour as in tip 7 but the tensions and tears beforehand. Read more here, part of Chapter 7 of The Emotional Challenges of Immigration
10. Goodbyes are part of life's progression. You have to say goodbye to stages of your life to make space for new experiences, new people. Embrace the change.
    

More information in these blogs Goodbyes, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 3

This post has the last of the tips on making goodbyes easier. Tips 1-3 are here and 4-7 are here. These previous posts include links, quotes and anecdotes about goodbyes.

I would love to read your experiences of goodbyes. All comments are welcome at the bottom of this or the previous posts.

Ten tips for easier goodbyes continued..

8.     Make a tentative arrangement for when you will see each other or contact each other again, even if it is not certain, it gives you a connection to hold onto.
9.     Be aware of PLT - Pre leaving tension. Not just the behaviour as in tip 7 but the tensions and tears beforehand. Read more here, part of Chapter 7 of The Emotional Challenges of Immigration
10.   Goodbyes are part of life's progression. You have to say goodbye to stages of your life to make space for new experiences, new people. Embrace the change.





Goodbyes have to be part of our life to move to a new stage. A toddler has to say goodbye to being carried everywhere. Having emigrated, we have to embrace change and say goodbye to some of the familiar. We have to accept there are parts of life that we have to say goodbye to; easy access to our loved ones, cultural celebrations the way we remember them, we may even have to say goodbye to some of our plans or expectations when we discover the plans and expectations don't fit into our new environment.

For those who have been through emigration, the people you love in your homeland will have found the prospect of you leaving difficult. Parents and friends have to let you go. Those you love have to let go of access to you too. As an immigrant of nearly thirty years, I am now having to say goodbye to my children as they have leave home.
My son went overseas last year, and two daughters have gone to university. Each occasion has been sad, but also exciting as I anticipate their adventures ahead. I am fortunate that they are leaving for such positive reasons.

I handed  over my first adult-child to life’s rich pageant a few years ago. As the time to say goodbye approached, we embraced eagerly and I

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 2

Making goodbyes easier:

Ten tips on saying goodbye cont. Tips 1-3 in the previous blog on goodbyes.

4.   Be honest with your goodbyes. Say what you feel and when it comes to the final parting, don't draw it out. You have to part some time. In Wikihow method two, long term goodbyes suggest being brief and sincere. 

5.   Offer a memento, a photo, a card, a souvenir of your time together. It may be worth giving the gift before the airport. A metre tall cuddly toy may not be welcome at the last moment. Great for cuddling but it may not fit in the baggage plans of the person leaving. Smaller items need thought through too. I once had to turn down a goodbye gift because it didn't meet airline safety specifications.

6.   If you are visiting your homeland or your loved ones are visiting you, toast the goodbye in a place that you enjoy being in, one that you can have good memories of. A last meal, a pleasant walk. Talk over some of the good times you have had.

7.   Realise that in the build up to saying goodbye, there maybe anxieties or unusual behaviour. Either party is upset at the prospect of loss and this may be shown in being easily irritated or angry.

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 1

"The truth is that goodbyes never get easier, no matter how many times you rehearse them.  And expat life guarantees an assault course of farewells, demanding a strong constitution, nerves of steel and significant emotional muscle." Says Victoria Scott. 

This is the first of a series of posts on goodbyes. there will be stories and tips on lessening the fear  of goodbyes. Emigration can give you possibly your hardest goodbye. Unfortunately, it is not your last.

Once you have emigrated, there will be more goodbyes; the times you visit your loved ones and they visit you. Sometimes the fear of the goodbye starts before you have said hello. One of the immigrants interviewed in the book, The Emotional Challenges of Immigration, noted that as her mother was only visiting for two weeks, she felt there was always a feeling that there would have to be a goodbye soon. She said it left a cloud over whole the visit. I too have felt the dread of goodbyes before I start the visit. I now try to focus on hellos and making memories to carry me beyond the goodbye.

Goodbyes are sad because of the love you feel for the person you are leaving. By acknowledging feeling sad at saying goodbye is part of the loving, you take the first step to feeling less negative about the goodbye.


My worst goodbye as an immigrant was the most fumbled too.

2001 we all went to visit my family for Christmas. Mid-January four children under nine and I were at Heathrow Airport checking in to fly back to New Zealand. My husband had left a week before. A dozen extended family members were also there to see us off. Five check-in bags were bulging with Christmas presents. I had been worried about the weight of the bags until I was asked whether there were any batteries inside them. I had no idea where Buzzlightyear or other possible battery toys were. I wasn't even sure which toys made it into the bags. My nephew came to the rescue as he organised family members to help search for the offending toys. I watched my children begin to melt as the cases and their toys were pulled apart. Perhaps I could cancel the departure? Apparently not. An airport escort with an empty wheelchair stood at our counter and called my name.