Careless talk costs lives. NZ mourns.

On Friday 15^th March 2019 in Christchurch, New Zealand a man filled with hate shot and killed fifty people in two mosques.  Saturday morning my husband David and I spent three hours absorbing the TV coverage. Many of those killed and injured were migrants. There was a lot of talk about hate. We wept at the acts of compassion and love.

  

I came away wanting to know why someone would be so driven to carry out such a heinous act. Why would someone have so much hate? 

Like the world I am shaken that this has happened in gentle New Zealand. In our sadness we have to remind ourselves that the act on Friday was race motivated. Hate for a group that was different to the man who called the shots that day.

What do we know about hate?

1. We hate what is different. The Psychology of Hate by Get Psyched stated we form an in-group and an out-group. We turn to our in-group for survival.
2. Hate is driven by love and aggression. Love for the group you belong to and aggression for the group you don’t. You will probably feel that your in-group is right in all facets, and the out-group is wrong.
3. Hate is driven by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that those in the out-group will affect those in the in-group. The killer's manifesto apparently said that he feared that Muslims would take over the world, and  "He wrote about becoming “increasingly disgusted” at immigrant communities."  
4. Get Psyched suggested that we often hate other people who are achieving something we cannot or fear we cannot achieve for ourselves. Why would this man hate Muslims so much?  I wondered what the killer saw in the Muslim way of life that he felt he could not achieve in his? Like all religions Islam has obligations. Muslims attend the mosque for collective prayer, just as other faiths gather for collective prayer. Arranging your life so that you can pray at a mosque on a Friday, a western work day would take conviction. You would need a strong sense of identity. Maybe this man was missing that. Perhaps he hated the sense of purpose, faith and belonging he saw in Muslims. He envied it. I suggest he feared he would never have such conviction. Unfortunately for us, his hate gave him a strong enough sense of conviction to massacre fifty people.
5. We are not born with hate. Hate is learnt from our environment. When 9/11 happened in 2001, the Christchurch killer was five years old. In the following ten or so years anyone with a beard and brown eyes seemed to be suspected to be a terrorist. If our social conscience develops at seven, then he had enough racism in his environment to form an opinion. This man’s hate may have been fueled by extremists on line, but the racism was also reinforced by his encounters with people he engaged with face to face.

There was racism before the internet. Many of us if not all of us would have heard a racist comment in social gatherings, a workplace, a party, a bar, a barbecue, a family dinner. What did we do when we heard those comments?

Over the last few days we have been moved by compassion and grief. As a nation we have laid flowers and donated money. We have attended vigils. We have wept. We have felt helpless what more can we do?

We can show some practical aroha (compassion.)

Love and compassion is the antidote to hate. We can show compassion by being more informed about the group that is different to us. We already have learnt more about the process for a Muslim funeral.  The more you know about the out-group, the less you will feel they are the out-group.

What else can we do?

Halt the hate. Stop racist comments gaining traction. When you hear a racist joke or comment, you could respond with, "Those comments are a bit out of date," or, “I'm going to disagree with you on that," or, "I don't see it that way."

With racist jokes, you could say, “I'm feeling uncomfortable about the victim of the joke," or, “I can’t laugh about that." Another suggestion I was given recently was to ask the joke teller to explain the joke which would produce an accountable if awkward silence.

Racist comments are often flippant or careless. Said by people who care less. Let us give new meaning to, “Careless talk costs lives.”

  

New Zealand is showing unity and love at the moment. Racism in New Zealand has been highlighted. Soon the flowers will be cleared away. There will still be racism. We need to continue to show aroha by learning more about people who are different to us. We need to halt the hate. We need to stop the careless talk by speaking out.

"First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out – because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out – because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak for me."

Martin Niemöller

Kia Kaha (Stay strong) a tribute from Orewa High School, NZ. 

Moving tributes

Tongan Community play Abide with me in support of muslim families
"Welcome home" by Dave Dobbyn sung as Cantabrians gather.

Other links

Four things you should do following the Christchurch terror attacks, Saziah Bashir

'Were out voices not enough?' asks refugee who expereinced racism prior to mosque attacks

Why is belonging so important?

Does a migrant need to have a sense of belonging? Yes. Here is why.

'Belongingness' is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs rates it  after food, water and safety. We are a sociable animal.

A feeling of belonging helps you to:

1. Have a healthy self esteem. Being wanted and loved makes you feel valued.
2. Have somewhere to go for help through your support network e.g. How do I find a doctor?
3. Help others. Being needed  helps our self esteem. In fact the motivation to help is so strong that even slaves set up a group help-fund to help each other. Every volunteer is satisfying the need to help others. "For it is in giving that we receive" St Francis of Assisi
4. Feel a sense of identity. You are part of a group.
5. Be more at ease about migrating. You are more rooted to the place around you.
6. Make sense of the world around you. You have a group of people to share and compare your thoughts, opinions and concerns.
7. Be more productive with a healthy self esteem and peace of mind.

When you do not feel you belong, you:

1. Have isolation and mental health issues. 
2. Are less motivated (Stanford University Associate Professor of Psychology, Greg Walton's  studies demonstrated that a sense of social belonging can affect motivation and continued persistence, even on impossible tasks. That is, if you don't feel like you belong, you are both less motivated and less likely to overcome obstacles.)
3. Being less likely overcome obstacles, you may question your reason for migrating, you may consider returning to your country of origin when times get tough.
4. Will feel lonely. 

Humans have an emotional need to be part of something that is greater than themselves. Migrants, who have left so much of their sense of belonging behind, have this same desire to want to be part of something.

In a migrant's initial years they will be clutching at ways to replace the sense of belonging they have left behind. Often the first group they may feel a sense of belonging with is other migrants with their experiences of migration. If these migrants are also from their country of origin, there may be a greater sense of belonging. Joining migrant cluster groups are best if the migrant doesn't rely on them solely. An interviewee from India in my book, said in her adopted country she and her husband, 'latched onto' an Indian community.

"I felt I had swapped one India for another." Not having any sense of belonging with her adopted country, she and her husband considered returning to India. A job offer in a different city came up and they decided to try again."We decided we wouldn't seek out Indian people, but would integrate with the society there. That was the winning thing, we actually got to know other people." At a later stage Nina's mother in law came to live with them. Her mother-in-law needed a slower pace to integrate, so Nina and her husband became involved in the Indian community too. "This way we now have two groups of friends and it works well."

Other interviewees have recommended, going to the library, joining more than one group in case the group you have chosen folds.

What else can a migrant do to help their sense of belonging?

1. Be ready to give. A sense of belonging is about reaching out for friendship, and about being able to give back. If you are part of a group or community, you have talents that will be needed some day. When the opportunity comes, give! Volunteering is an excellent way to start.  John O’Brien once said, “It is dispiriting to always be the needy one.” Our souls are deprived of the chance to make a difference to others.
2. Try and identify what has made you feel you belong in the past? How can you make that happen again? David Pitonyak, The Importance of Belonging includes an exercise on creating more inclusive environments by examining what it feels like to be excluded, what it feels like to be included and identifying what can be done to help people feel more included and increase their sense of belonging.
3. If making friends seems a problem, Susan Kurliak and Johanna Johnson have 101 suggestions in their book 101 Ways to Make Friends. Here are some samples.

#37 Have one good joke you can tell. Practice it so you’re ready when there’s a gap in the conversation — be known as the one who made everyone feel comfortable.
#75 Collect something, and talk to others who share your passion...coins, hats, ceramic elephants, Elvis memorabilia…
#82 Give yourself permission to miss the mark. Nothing is going to be perfect the first time — to make one friend we need to meet a whole lot of people who won’t be our friends. Just keep trying.

What can people, organisations, and countries do to increase sense of belonging?

• Maori, the New Zealand indigenous people have an expression, Manaakitanga. This is the Maori style of hospitality. Manaakitanga greeted early settlers to New Zealand. In an event to celebrate Chinese New Year, Chinese migrants who had been in New Zealand for over two decades were re-welcomed in a Powhiri (Maori welcome) in the spirit of Manaakitanga. The Chinese migrants said through this event they felt more of a sense of belonging to New Zealand than through two decades of being a migrant in New Zealand. The reasons for this extra sense of belonging could be put down to some spiritual similarities between Chinese and Maori, and or that the holistic and ceremonial welcoming supported the migrants'emotional need to belong more than a stamp in their passport.

• Be proactive in welcoming migrants. Many countries have a welcoming communities operation running. By typing in welcoming and the country you are in you are likely to find web sites for your host country.Here are some examples.

Welcoming Communities NZ 

Newcomers Network NZ

https://welcomingcities.org.au/

https://www.welcomingamerica.org/programs/member-municipalities

• There is more help on support networks in my book, The Emotional Challenges of Immigration Chapter 4 - Support Networks. Read it for free here.

Other useful links

http://www.saywhydoi.com/belonging-why-do-we-need-a-sense-of-belonging/
https://livelifegetactive.com/blog/sense-of-belonging/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/201704/belonging

https://barbarabray.net/2017/08/02/8-tips-to-foster-a-sense-of-belonging/
https://www.europelanguagejobs.com/blog/make-friends-abroad

12 Ways To Overcome Homesickness

Homesickness

The feeling of longing for a connection with home. People have reported homesickness after moving house, even just around the corner. I heard of a man, happy as an immigrant in his adopted country for sixty years, felt that he 'just wanted to go home' when he reached his eighties.
Even with a fulfilling life in a different place from your original home, you may still feel a desire to be connected to your past home. You are homesick.

Homesickness can take many forms and affect people in different ways.

When your mother dies

Margaret Baker 7 Jan 1934- 26th Jan 2016

Apologies for my blog absence. I went to England to visit my mother. Her decline in health over four weeks was rapid. She died a week before I was due to come back to NZ. Helping to care for her before she died and living a ‘life after death’ has been consuming.

I have now been back in New Zealand for ten days. The jet lag is abating, The grump (chapter 11) is being overtaken by life’s routines and I am feeling a sense of normality is knocking on the door. I can let it in if I want.

Blogs and newsletters have been due. Mental drafts have made it to paper, but not to the web.  I like to think my writing is a help to migrants going through similar situations. I couldn’t come up with ways to help myself let alone readers. As well as my mother dying there were other deaths and dying of people close to me. When death is all around you, it is difficult to see a way forward or objective observations. What I can offer is a few snippets of thoughts: