Homesickness? Last minute top tips for those away from home at Christmas Season

Tomorrow is Christmas day  in New Zealand. I am looking forward to it.

Until my mid-twenties Christmas was feasting on turkey and Christmas pudding with a large family, walking off the feast at dusk, (rarely in snow), and then snacking on Quality Street, cold turkey, satsumas and nuts as we slouched around the fire.

Then I did the traveling thing.

Christmas was full of differences. Long summer days, (not necessarily sunny), ham, salads and trifle and no family around. There was phone calls, but the longer the phone call was, the more you missed the people you talked to. We were apart.

Having spent over three decades, with a different Christmas, I have learnt to accept it for what it is. This year Christmas is different again, not because my two oldest are absent again, but because this time we have two lovely travelers with us, my nephew and his girlfriend. So migrants and travelers out there here are some tips for Christmas away from loved ones. I hope some of them help.

• Every Christmas is different in some way. Christmas changes throughout your life. Acknowledge and delight in the differences of your unique Christmas this year.
• If the Christmas you are spending is very different, look at it through, 'this is bizarre' eyes, and smile.
• When connecting with distant loved ones on the day through phone/social media note:
• The festivity is disjointed. You are in different time zones. For example, if you are in the same time zone as NZ, you do Christmas before anyone else. You are 'over Christmas' by 10pm whereas UK is just getting started at 9am. The atmosphere from either ends of the phone will be different which can add to the feelings of distance.
• Keep the conversations short. The reception is likely to be weak and the phone call/Skype etc. is likely to be intermittent. Don't spend too long on the phone, just enough time to say I love you,  I miss you, (if you do), I hope you have a great day. Plan to have a chat soon to let them know how it went.
• It is likely that you will feel sad at some stage in the day. That is okay. If you are much more sad than glad, make a list of what would make it better for you for next year.
• For a variety of reasons you are not with some of your loved ones.  Remember you still can have a good day. Be positive about your presence.
• If the people around you do not ask, offer as a conversation piece, the highlights of your Christmas day, and how it is different, but avoid whose Christmas is better. Christmas is not a competition. Every Christmas is different in some way.

I would like to wish you a meaningful unique Christmas, and a season where the peace, hope and love lasts much longer than the leftovers.

Surprise Visits

What would a surprise visit be like? I have never been part of one. In the Visits Home chapter of my book, three women describe their surprise visits. You can read about them here in the free download. 

I was inspired to write about surprise visits as a friend recently had a surprise visit set up for her. Uber had an ad campaign planned for Mothers Day in the northern hemisphere (March). Annie from England, but living in Australia has a daughter, Lily working in England. Lily's friend asked Annie if  she wanted to be part of the ad. Within forty eight hours Annie had crossed the world without telling anyone. A logistical and mental challenge but definitely worth it. Here is the result, enjoy the ride, and keep a hanky nearby. Mothers surprise their children.

If anyone would like to share their surprise visits experiences, I would love to hear about them. Post a comment below and I can contact you.

Christmas help

Celebration time in some parts of the world. Holiday time in others. Here is a useful resource from my book, chapter 14 on Surviving Christmas and other cultural celebrations. Read the chapter as a PDF here.

Here are some of my previous blogs for help with Christmas

Nine Strategies for a happier Christmas

If you are about to fly with children, you may find this useful
How to reduce fear of flying with children




And if that isn't enough here are another couple of helpful links from other bloggers.
http://expatchild.com/keep-calm-its-christmas/
http://expatchild.com/christmas-abroad/

Wishing you a wonderful festive season with love laughter and hope for a great year ahead.

12 Ways To Overcome Homesickness

Homesickness

The feeling of longing for a connection with home. People have reported homesickness after moving house, even just around the corner. I heard of a man, happy as an immigrant in his adopted country for sixty years, felt that he 'just wanted to go home' when he reached his eighties.
Even with a fulfilling life in a different place from your original home, you may still feel a desire to be connected to your past home. You are homesick.

Homesickness can take many forms and affect people in different ways.

Migrant groups. Good or bad?

Whether a pair of migrants befriend each other or a neighbourhood has a density of a particular ethnicity, such as in Chinatown, migrants are drawn to each other. As humans, we like to find people similar to ourselves. Migrants, in an environment surrounded by the unfamiliar, are often drawn to the familiar. Migrant groups, or migrant cluster groups, can provide this familiarity.

Large migrant groups such as in Chinatown are common in major cities. Labelled as such, we know in that area we expect a wide variety of Chinese food and shops, and a concentration of Chinese migrants. Other nationalities gather with a similar density in particular suburbs or neighbourhoods in cities. Why do migrant cluster groups happen and what are they good/bad for?

Why Immigrants Need Empathy not Sympathy.

I had just returned from a homeland visit. An acquaintance approached me and I readied myself for the, “I bet you are glad to be back.” Instead the person said,
“It must have been so hard leaving.” I took a step back and fumbled for the handkerchief I knew I would be needing. Amongst my muddle of thoughts there was a cry of 'Eureka someone understands!' I hugged my acquaintance-now-more-of-a-friend. She welcomed the hug because we both knew she had touched me emotionally, and the hug would hide my tears.


Empathy. The understanding of emotions. Sympathy. Feeling sorry for the person. I would rather have empathy any day.
The empathy I was shown:

• Acknowledged my sadness and made the sadness feel reasonable
• Didn’t make me feel weak or pathetic
• Gave me a sense of relief at someone understanding what I was going through.

There is a fine line between empathy and sympathy, and sometimes the terms are misused.

Sympathy makes me feel weak. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, because:

It makes me feel like I have made a wrong decision to be an immigrant

• I have burdened them with my sadness.
• They may be thinking, if it is bad enough to make me sad, I should return to my homeland.
• I would rather that people understand I am glad about my choices, but there are times when it is difficult or sad. 

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 2

Making goodbyes easier:

Ten tips on saying goodbye cont. Tips 1-3 in the previous blog on goodbyes.

4.   Be honest with your goodbyes. Say what you feel and when it comes to the final parting, don't draw it out. You have to part some time. In Wikihow method two, long term goodbyes suggest being brief and sincere. 

5.   Offer a memento, a photo, a card, a souvenir of your time together. It may be worth giving the gift before the airport. A metre tall cuddly toy may not be welcome at the last moment. Great for cuddling but it may not fit in the baggage plans of the person leaving. Smaller items need thought through too. I once had to turn down a goodbye gift because it didn't meet airline safety specifications.

6.   If you are visiting your homeland or your loved ones are visiting you, toast the goodbye in a place that you enjoy being in, one that you can have good memories of. A last meal, a pleasant walk. Talk over some of the good times you have had.

7.   Realise that in the build up to saying goodbye, there maybe anxieties or unusual behaviour. Either party is upset at the prospect of loss and this may be shown in being easily irritated or angry.

Ten tips for easier goodbyes part 1

"The truth is that goodbyes never get easier, no matter how many times you rehearse them.  And expat life guarantees an assault course of farewells, demanding a strong constitution, nerves of steel and significant emotional muscle." Says Victoria Scott. 

This is the first of a series of posts on goodbyes. there will be stories and tips on lessening the fear  of goodbyes. Emigration can give you possibly your hardest goodbye. Unfortunately, it is not your last.

Once you have emigrated, there will be more goodbyes; the times you visit your loved ones and they visit you. Sometimes the fear of the goodbye starts before you have said hello. One of the immigrants interviewed in the book, The Emotional Challenges of Immigration, noted that as her mother was only visiting for two weeks, she felt there was always a feeling that there would have to be a goodbye soon. She said it left a cloud over whole the visit. I too have felt the dread of goodbyes before I start the visit. I now try to focus on hellos and making memories to carry me beyond the goodbye.

Goodbyes are sad because of the love you feel for the person you are leaving. By acknowledging feeling sad at saying goodbye is part of the loving, you take the first step to feeling less negative about the goodbye.


My worst goodbye as an immigrant was the most fumbled too.

2001 we all went to visit my family for Christmas. Mid-January four children under nine and I were at Heathrow Airport checking in to fly back to New Zealand. My husband had left a week before. A dozen extended family members were also there to see us off. Five check-in bags were bulging with Christmas presents. I had been worried about the weight of the bags until I was asked whether there were any batteries inside them. I had no idea where Buzzlightyear or other possible battery toys were. I wasn't even sure which toys made it into the bags. My nephew came to the rescue as he organised family members to help search for the offending toys. I watched my children begin to melt as the cases and their toys were pulled apart. Perhaps I could cancel the departure? Apparently not. An airport escort with an empty wheelchair stood at our counter and called my name.

Newsletter 2 - Homesickness

Homesickness, some history of it, 12 ways to overcome it, greeting people and hearing Elton John sing Back home again are just some of the items on this newsletter. Click on the link below.
Newsletter 2 November 2013