What is wrong with fitting in?

When I had been in New Zealand for about five years I was compared to another English migrant who “didn’t fit in as well as you do.” This got me thinking. I had worked hard at fitting in. I had listened more than talked with my husbands' friends and family, I had stopped telling jokes that had shocked, but still  laughed at jokes I didn't understand, I could even name most of the beloved All Blacks rugby team. I had tried to fit in as much as possible. I had  completed all the requirements possible to be an acceptable New Zealander. And yet I wasn’t. I felt like an observer, the polite guest who could only share my opinions in a guarded manner.  I had been trying too hard to fit in. I feared being a perpetual outsider.

A few years later I decided I am not nor will ever be a New Zealander. I am an English person who is enjoying living in New Zealand. I was different. I was an outsider, but that was okay. 

Brené Brown, one of the world’s greatest influencers in the realms of leadership and change, studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Her TED talk is one of the five most-watched TED talks in the world. In an article Brown wrote for Oprah.com, Brown explains the difference between fitting in and belonging:

"In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.
Many of us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I'm an expert fitter-inner!) But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking."

Many communities have a quirky member. In You don't need to fit in to belong Jenny Lind Schmitt describes a member of a Swiss village that is different to the rest of the community, but adds a colour and vibrancy to the community. Madame Cardozo doesn't fit in, but does belong. It was suggested by Schmitt that it was time that made Madame Cardozo belong.

It took time for me to feel a sense of belonging. The belonging came through work, the contributions I made to my community, reaching out for a support network where help was able to be given and received, being a parent of children growing up in New Zealand, volunteering in my children's schools, sharing life events with friends and my husband's family, being part of a church. Anywhere where my contribution or potential contribution was valued, that was where I felt a sense of belonging.

As a migrant, you will be different. It is likely that you will try to fit in, especially in the early years. This may be for survival mentally or physically. What is wrong with fitting in? There are levels of fitting in that are unhealthy. You need to be aware of the uncomfortable feeling that you are over-compromising yourself, 'twisting yourself into a human pretzel' just for the sake of fitting in. Will you feel a sense of belonging if you haven't been revealing your true self? Brene Brown thinks not.

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.-Brene Brown

There will be a time when you will be accepted into your community. It will be the time when you, and your differences are recognised as providing a positive aspect to the community; the food you bring, the volunteering, the fresh insights, the comparative opinions, the acknowledgement that there is another way of being or doing that is not wrong, your artistic talents. (See a previous blog 12 Reasons why migrants make good artists.) At this time you will feel and enjoy the sense of belonging in your host country. Enjoy that feeling and be glad that you didn't sell yourself out too much when trying to fit in.

Three Painful Questions for Migrants

Where are you from?  Do you like it here?  Do you like it there?
These questions said with the best intentions, often as a conversation opener, repeated often enough can eat away at migrants and make them feel isolated.

Where are you from?

Accent, appearance, language, make it obvious a migrant is different to the native born. The question 'Where are your from?' although may be said with the best intentions, is a reminder to the migrant that they are not from here. In Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari, Harari suggests Homo sapiens  default to an 'Us and them' social structure. You are with us or not. He points out that in many cultures the word used to describe any one not born in the area or country to being similar to a description of non-people. 'Where are you from?' can be taken as you don't belong as much as me. Other perils of the question where are you from is discussed more in an earlier blog. Read more here.

Do you like it here? 

When this question is asked the migrant is doomed. By the fact the migrant has lived in two countries, they have a comparative point of view. Transport networks, climate, housing. they have experienced both and can see the advantages and disadvantages of each.

If the migrant is honest, and some cultures are more honest than others, he/she may say something like, I love the climate, culture and people, but I think the transport system or lack of it is frustrating. The criticism sticks out. Even such a cushioned honest reply from the migrant may cause the native born to think or say, 'Why don't you go back home then? '

Why is criticism not taken well? Because the migrant can be likened to a guest, and guests don't insult their hosts. Imagine you are invited to dinner, your host asks you whether you enjoyed the meal. If you reply that it was lovely except the main course was a little underdone, there will be unease.  A guest has expected behaviour. Often migrants have to accentuate the positive. And until they find someone who can receive the migrant's honest observations or criticism, they may have to bottle up any negative feelings about the country they have chosen to live in. A migrant, you are a guest in your host country.

Do you like it there?

When a migrant visits their homeland, they may yearn to be honest with their loved ones. Again they have a comparative opinion, and they have chosen to 'give up' their homeland. One of my sisters once said to me, "Where you are living better be a great place, because you have given up so much to be there."

The question 'Do you like it there?' should be treated with caution. Every positive of your host country is a negative score for your homeland. If you point out all the host country negatives that you can't share with native born of your host country, your loved one may wonder why you are still there. It can be safer to accentuate the positives of the things you miss in your homeland, and even be prepared to be told it is not like that any more. As a migrant, you may have to behave as a guest in your homeland.

These questions are a constant reminder that you are don't belong, and although you have a comparative opinion, it is not always welcome.You are a guest in two homes.

What can you do?

1. Talk to other migrants, as they are unlikely to take offense when you are making comparisons. 
   
2. Accept that like a permanent traveller, you will always be reporting on the positives.
3. If you are never able to speak your mind, seek someone who you can offload to. I have come across two women who bottled up their grievances for over twenty years, so much so that they became sick.
4. Journal your observations.
5. Research on line for other migrants. There are often country specific blogs that you can post your feelings on and feel you are heard.
6. Reviews and comments about my book have focused on the relief a migrant has felt in knowing other migrants felt the same way. 

Why are migrant doctors driving taxis?

 “On average across OECD countries, 28.3% of highly educated immigrants are formally overqualified for the job they hold compared with less than 17.6% for the native-born.” Settling In: OECD Indicators of Immigrant Integration 2012

Cleaners who are professors, road workers who are engineers, farm workers who are vets and doctors who drive taxis; why are so many migrants are overqualified? This blog is in two parts and will consider the following:

• Reasons behind migrants being overqualified
• How does overqualification affect migrants?
• The negative effects of overqualified or underemployed migrants for the host country.
• What will help migrants who are overqualified?

• Reasons behind migrants being overqualified

1.     Migrant qualifications may not be recognised in their host country. Professionals (engineers, doctors, nurses, professors) often must go through a registration process or assimilation process to bring them ‘up to standard.’ This registration process is often time- and money-consuming and may not be the highest priority for the migrant when they first arrive.

2. Migrant education may not be recognised. Data from the Office of National Statistics on immigration of Eastern Europeans in the UK showed,

“A full 40% of EU8 workers in the survey were over-qualified for the job they were doing, due to the impossibility of converting their home academic titles into a same-level UK one.” International Business Times

3. The primary reason for migration was not to use their skill set. The migrant did not migrate expecting to use their skills, although they might like to. Not expecting to use their skills, may be due to:

a. A migrant may have migrated to be with their spouse or family member whose skill set had been in demand.
b. They were an ‘economic migrant.’ Countries offer immigration if the migrant invests in the host country.
c. Humanitarian reasons, political asylum or refugee.

4. The host country may have a drive for labour in an industry, for example the dairy industry in NZ.

“Dairy farms employ hundreds of migrant workers. It's estimated that 15 per cent of all dairy farm employees aren't New Zealand citizens or permanent residents. “ NZ Farmer.co.nz

These employees are on work visas, their qualifications and experience may not match the work they are doing, but the hope of becoming permanent residents is enough for them to work even if they are underemployed.

5. The language differences may cause a lack of confidence in communicating or promoting themselves at a professional level.

6. Migrants are discriminated against. Mai Chen said,

 "Discrimination is actually preventing New Zealand from fulfilling its full potential."

7. Skilled workers often choose or resort to being self-employed as an attractive alternative to employment. A restaurant or food provider, a stall or a ‘two dollar shop’ or franchise can be a preferable means of employment due to:

a. Fulfilling the immigration requirement in its economic form such as a business visa, where the migrant must show that they can manage a business with staff and budgets etc.
b. Being self-employed can limit being marginalised. In a large organisation a migrant runs the risk of being marginalised, through their accent, their language, their appearance or the fact that they are more qualified than their peers or superiors.

• How does overqualification affect migrants?

      

1.Survival first. A conversation recently with a Russian migrant to New Zealand reminded me that initially a migrant’s need is survival. Moving to a new country there are so many changes for their brain to get used to (culture shock) that adapting to those changes consumes energy. On Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a new migrant’s immediate needs are at the bottom of the pyramid, the physiological and safety level. At this early stage of migration, underemployment can be perceived to be acceptable, even desirable. Later, and this may be a few years or decades, the underemployment may have a detrimental effect.

2. Undervalued. A migrant being unable to put their experience and qualifications to use, or not being valued or recognised for their full potential, can cause anger and frustration.

3. Isolation. A migrant can feel isolated because their co-workers feel too different to them. Having a higher qualification can be added to the reasons their co-workers feel different to them, such as accent, language and appearance.

4. High expectations on their children. Second generation migrants often achieve a higher level of employment than their parents. The second generation doesn’t have to familiarise themselves with education or the idiosyncrasies of a different country. The children of migrants may feel extra pressure to succeed in a way that their parents couldn’t.

5. Poverty, as you are not meeting the needs of your family in your host country, and/or your remittance expectations to your country of origin.

My next post will continue this subject with:

• The negative effects of overqualified or underemployed migrants for the host country.
• What can help overqualified migrants?

I would love to hear your experiences and comments. Post them below.

12 reasons why migrants make good artists.

  I have come across interesting books, talks, artists, singers, generally great creative people who are migrants. A quick search reveals some of the famous migrant artists or creative people.
  In 20 famous migrants to the UK, migrant artists/creatives include Handel, Karl Marx, Sigmund Fred, Marks and Spencer originators. In the United States of America famous migrant artists include Einstein, Bruce Willis, Joni Mitchell, Isabell Allende, Charlize Theron.

Jacob Lawrence Migration Series

  The list of migrant artists is endless. Have a search for migrant artists in the country you live in.
  The twelve reasons migrants make good artists could be expanded. Should you have some more to add then type away in the comments below.
  Migrant art offers a fresh perspective. The combination of the artist's countries produces art that keeps us stimulated. The differences are what makes the art attractive or interesting.

"A lot of flowers make a bouquet." Muslim origin

 12 reasons migrants make good artists.